Friday, September 10, 2010

Losing touch.. Part 2

I heard from so many on my note "Losing Touch..." that I decided to write a second part. My heart is extremely heavy, because Josh passed away. I went to the hospital to see him on Tuesday afternoon but he had already been moved to CCU and I could not see him. I talked to his mom and awkwardly tried to express how I felt. I really hope she understands that although I came across as the "weird girl Josh went to school with"... I really had much to say that I could not even begin to express in the correct way. I seem to have a way with words, written that is. But as most of you know about me when it comes to talking in person, my nerves cause my mouth to go into overdrive and I never know what I will say. I can think it in the most perfect way, but once it hits my mouth... it is just a hot mess. I wanted so much for her to know how Josh had touched my life and what a special person he was. But then, I felt so out of place. Who was I to be there when I hadn't even kept in touch with him over the years? There were so many who deserved to be there and I surely did not. I felt the pull to go see him from the moment I found out he was sick, if for nothing more than to tell him thanks for being a good friend in high school, but I kept telling myself that I should not impose on the time his family and close friends had left with him. The pull continued all afternoon until I finally followed my heart to go. By then, he had been moved into CCU and I could not see him. He stayed on my mind and my heart all night. I called to check on him and see if there was anything his mom needed. I know there is nothing I could do or say that would ever ease her pain, but I just wanted to help in some way. The reports after that were good and he seemed to be improving. Someone even mentioned he might get put back in a regular room and I was thrilled for him. I was praying continuously for Josh, and I wanted so much for him to be healed. I was talking to a friend and telling her that he was improving and doing well. Then I got the message from Brad.... "Josh is gone". I know those had to be the hardest three words for Brad to type. He lost his best friend and I could feel his agony in those three words. Josh was so young.. way too young to be gone. He will be missed tremendously and I am so ashamed of myself that I let so much time go by. How do we allow ourselves to walk away from our graduations and leave behind those who we called friends? I know life is full and it is so hard to find the time for those even closest to us. I, myself, want to make an effort to reach out to those who meant so much to me in my life. If you get a message from me that just says "Thank You"... well, you know that I am just trying to show my gratitude for some kindness you showed me that meant something in my life. However small, that kindness was one piece that helped me toward completing the puzzle that is my life.

I hope to someday tell Josh that I was thankful that he taught me to laugh and that he always had a smile to brighten my day . In the meantime he is acting a fool and cutting up with our friend, Jacob, who was there to greet him as he passed from this life into the next. I am sure Jesus is getting a good laugh. I can't wait to see them someday and tell them both what they meant to my life. Then they will be cracking me up. Wow, laughter through tears. As I said in Part 1.. laughter heals. Tears cleanse the wound and then laughter heals it. I hope all of you can stop and remember Josh with maybe a tear... and then a smile. It is even ok if that smile turns into laughter!! Rest In Peace Josh Darden! You will never be forgotten!!!

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: ......A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; Ecclesiastes 3:1-4